It's Not That No One Is Helping.....Maybe We're Not Letting Them

The Untypical Parent Talks to Herself

Why we often say "no" even when we desperately need support? 

In this episode, I’m talking about something so many of us struggle with—accepting help. You know that pressure to have it all together and do everything ourselves? Yep, that. I get into how thinking of help as some kind of transaction can actually make it harder to let people in, and how sometimes we push support away so much that people stop offering altogether. I share what I’ve learned about figuring out the kind of help that actually feels supportive (and not just like one more thing to manage), and why having clear expectations with the people around us makes a big difference. I also look at why we were never meant to parent or live in isolation—there’s real history behind that! I’m working on seeing help as a form of connection, not failure, and I’ll share some practical ways I’ve been trying to get more comfortable with receiving it. Plus, a reminder that support comes in many forms—not just the obvious or practical stuff. 

The link for this month's parenting pause moment: The Sensory Side to Parenting: Unlock the Sensory Secret to Smoother Parenting and More Peaceful Moments
https://info.the-untypical-ot.co.uk/sensory-side-of-parenting

🔗 To connect with Liz, find all the details on her Linktree:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://linktr.ee/the_untypical_ot⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

☕ If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee here:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://buymeacoffee.com/the.untypical.ot⁠⁠

Topics: If you have a request for a particular topic when it comes to parenting in additional needs families, please just drop the podcast an email at contact@untypicalparentpodcast.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Untypical Parent Talks
• 1:17 Are You Easy to Help?
• 3:07 Why We Say No to Help
• 6:45 When People Stop Asking
• 11:20 Making Peace with Accepting Support
• 17:20 Finding Your Backup Team
• 22:04 How to Say Yes Again
• 23:57 Upcoming Parenting Pause Moments

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Untypical Parent Talks to Herself, the podcast for typically untypical parents. I'm Liz Evans and I am the Untypical OT and I'm your host, and in these bite-sized do-it-yourself episodes, we're going to dive into real talk about parenting in additional needs families. No fluff, no judgment, just the stuff that matters. No judgment, just the stuff that matters, because, let's face it, there's absolutely no rule book that works for the wild ride that we'll find ourselves on as parents in additional needs families. So let's shake things up, let's share some of the laughs and the hard stuff and get the support we all need in this untypical journey. Are you ready? Come join me. Untypical journey. Are you ready? Come join me. Hello and welcome. I'm Liz Evans, I am the Untypical OT and I am your host today for another episode of the Untypical Parent, but this one is the Untypical Parent Talks to Herself. So these are my little mini, bite-sized episodes that are shortened to the point for those of us that are on the go, really busy and don't often have time for hour-long podcasts. My chat today and what I'm going to talk about and focus on today is the question are you easy to help? Now, why is this important? So, this was something that came up actually in a conversation with Danny Wallace when I did a podcast with Danny Wallace, and you can find that in the list it's in there, and you can find that in the list it's in there. So Danny and I were talking and we were talking about how being sometimes solo parents and having done things for a long time on our own, that can make us difficult to help. Sometimes we are fiercely independent and this isn't just for parents that are single, it can also be for parents generally that we become so used to doing it on our own that we become difficult to help. So when we are in additional needs families and we're struggling and we're having a hard time and we're struggling and we're having a hard time and we are offered help, we find it really difficult to say yes. And there's a whole heap of reasons, I think, behind that and I was thinking about for me why that's important, why that happened for me, why did I find it so difficult and I still find it difficult to say yes when somebody offers me help?

Speaker 1: 2:48

And I think there was a number of things that kind of went through my head when I was thinking about this and thinking about doing this podcast and talking about it is that I felt like I should be able to do it. So there's that pressure isn't there of you should. If you're a parent, you should be able to do it and you should be able to do it all. So there's quite a lot of pressure in my head about I should be able to do this and if I'm not able to do it, I am therefore failing. I'm failing as a parent, I'm failing my kids. Other people can do it and I can't, and I shouldn't need this much help. So that was one of the things that kind of used to be around in my head was I should be able to do this without the need for help. The other thing is is that sometimes it feels like help is a transaction. So when somebody offers help, I was feeling like I should be able to offer help back, and in those moments when life is really hard and we need that extra help, I couldn't even contemplate being able to help somebody else back. But there was a huge amount of guilt around that that I shouldn't be taking from people if I can't return that to them. So this feeling of it being a transaction, help being a transaction, and I think what kind of comes to mind as well is when I think about it.

Speaker 1: 4:15

And over the years, you know I've I've been on parenting on my own probably now for around 10 years, not all of that I knew that we were a neurodivergent family, a neurodiverse family, and I think I've had other conversations on other podcasts talking to the parents about how things started to change. So I knew things were tough. I knew things were really tough in the beginning. I know, for example, my friends would go out for, say, coffee and the coffee like a coffee shop. I knew I couldn't go because my kids would never settle enough for me to go. I knew when I went to go and pick up my eldest, when he was in reception, I think it was, um, that when I went down with my youngest, everybody else's kids would kind of be playing but mine was struggling in the buggy and shouting and screaming. So I knew things were different. And I think as they got older, especially with my younger one, I started to see my friends drift off, go off in a different direction. My friends drift off, go off in a different direction and at that moment I think before I knew any of the diagnosis for any of us in in our family, the immediate place to go is that it that's my fault, that's something I'm. I'm getting this wrong as a parent and that's really difficult.

Speaker 1: 5:43

And I think people would offer me help, but I wasn't kind of sure what help I needed. I didn't want to accept the help because I felt like that meant I was failing Sometimes. I didn't want the help because actually it could make things more difficult. It was just easier to do it myself, even though I was on my knees at points. It was easier to easier to do it myself even though I was on my knees at points. It was easier to just to do it myself.

Speaker 1: 6:10

And during that time I had a very good friend and they remember them saying something to me around me, talking about I find it really difficult. People offer me help and I say no, and I find it difficult and I'm so tired and I actually need the help. And she said to me sometimes you need to let people help. And I thought what do you mean? I need to let people help? And I remember thinking, of course you know I would let people help, but actually I wasn't letting people help, I wasn't letting them in, I was keeping everyone at a distance. I was out to prove that I could do it all on my own and that I didn't need any help. And did that contribute towards my burnout along the way? Very possibly.

Speaker 1: 6:54

I think, actually, that I was so hell-bent on being able to do this on my own, and that my job as a parent is to do it on my own, that I was so stuck in that I couldn't let anybody in to help. And then what you find is that when we keep saying no is people stop asking. And that's really hard too. I remember feeling nobody ever offers me any help, nobody ever asks if I want any help. But actually, when I look back now, those people had been offering, they had been asking and saying let me help, let me do this, let me do that, and I was going no, no, no, I'll do it all on my own. So eventually those people stop asking because they feel like you don't want it.

Speaker 1: 7:49

And when I talked to Danny Wallace, I remember Danny talking about the fact that she will say no to people offering her help or offering him in, inviting her out or those kind of things. But she follows it up with this time that don't stop asking me, because there will be a time when I'll say yes, but right now I can't. And I think that was really important. I really remember thinking, actually I don't think I've ever kind of followed it up with that you know, if I say no, I'll find an excuse to say no, but I don't follow it up with but don't stop asking me and kind of almost allowing people to still help me. And I think it's a really important thing to be able to let people help us. And the bit that I get stuck with the most, the bit that I find the hardest, is that I worry people will think I'm taking advantage, that they are offering to help when they don't really want to and that they might offer that help, but then think, oh god, I wish she hadn't said yes, they're just doing it because they feel like they should do, and then they're offering help but they don't really know what to do. And if they do do come and help, it's going to make things worse. Actually, it's just easy if I get on with it and do it myself and nobody else can do it like I can. And that sounds a bit big headed, doesn't it? No one can do it as well as me, and I don't mean it in that way.

Speaker 1: 9:16

I think, especially when we're in additional needs families I think our lives can be quite tricky and chaotic and our families We've often got structures and routines that work for us and we know when we move out of those structures and routines that that can cause difficulty in itself. So it might allow you to go and do something, so, for example, but actually the impact that that has when you return, the impact that that has when you return, is so significant sometimes it's not worth it that actually it just feels easier to make sure that everybody else's needs are met and everyone else is okay, because we can't face what might happen. So I was thinking about this this are you easy to help? And what I kind of wanted to do was put it out as a question to people and if we're in those moments when we're having tricky times or we're feeling quite isolated or, you know, feeling quite on our own and it's not always an easy reflection are easy to help and it might just be worth thinking about.

Speaker 1: 10:30

Do I say no a lot? Do I just get on with it, because sometimes it's just easier for me to do it? Do I not trust other people to do the things that would be helpful to me? Do I think they won't do it as well? And sometimes it's that good enough, isn't it? Is it good enough? And I think I had to come to the realisation and I've come to that realisation slowly, and I've had to have these conversations with the people that offer help. Is that we have an agreement now? The people that offer help is that we have an agreement now? The people that offer me help we have an agreement. I won't always say yes. Even sometimes when I'm desperate, I won't always say yes, but what I do have is an agreement with them now, and that agreement is you.

Speaker 1: 11:22

I have to truly believe that they will say no or they won't offer something that they don't truly mean. Now, that might come from a whole heap of things in my background and growing up and all that kind of stuff. Who knows, who knows where that comes from. I'm sure somebody would have a field day with it, but there's something in me that feels that people will offer things and not mean it and regret it or be resentful of it afterwards, and I have this feeling that I don't want to impose on other people. So I find it very difficult. I don't want people to think, oh, she took advantage of that and she never gives anything back. So I have this agreement now and it's only with a couple of people, and I still don't find it easy to say yes to a lot of people.

Speaker 1: 12:12

There's a small pocket of people that I feel I can say yes to, but I have to be really, really secure in the fact that I know that they will say no. So if I ask for the help which is sometimes even harder than the accepting the help maybe I need to put a pin in that one and come back to that one in a second that when someone offers me the help, I I know that that offer of help is a true offer of help. And how do you get that? How do you know that? And I think that comes down to the relationship with the person and maybe being able to have those conversations. I really want to be able to say yes, but this is what I worry about and we need to find a way that I know that when you offer, it is a true offer and it is not an offer that you think. I feel a bit guilty and I should help her out, because that's what I kind of feel like. If people kind of go, you know she's having a tough time, maybe I should just offer to help. So it is about having those, those open conversations with those safe people.

Speaker 1: 13:12

And, like I talk about in lots of other stuff and other podcasts and all my trainings I do, is finding those safe people, finding those people that you can have those conversations with. That. When they offer you help, how can you say yes? How can you make it okay to say yes? How can you make it more comfortable to say yes? And then I suppose what's really interesting was what I just touched on there a minute ago was how do you ask for help? Are you any good at that? And I am rubbish, rubbish at asking for help a lot of the time. Again. I just think that I can do it by myself and it's just quicker and it's easier and the fallout is too big. So actually, if I just do it myself, it's just easier. I'm not going to ask for help.

Speaker 1: 13:56

But I also have this thing of asking for help that people will just say yes, begin because they feel guilty or they feel that they should, and actually there's part of them that feels I don't, I don't really want to be doing this, I don't really want to do this, but I'll kind of say yes and that's not a comfortable feeling for me again. So again I have to have those conversations with people and again there's only a very small amount of people that I will ask for help and I have to be very, very secure in the fact that I know that that person will say no. If it's not okay, that time and I've almost had to practice that, I've almost had to say something I'm going to need you to say no at some point. You've got to say no. If you keep saying yes, I won't believe that you're going to say no. So I almost need them at some point to go. Actually, do you know what, liz, I can't do it this time and I'm okay with that. I'm. That makes me actually makes me feel better and the fact that I in the future, I then know that that person I can go. Actually I remember them saying no before and that makes it easier for me to ask for help. So there's a couple of things around you know there's that are you easy to help and can you ask for help?

Speaker 1: 15:12

Because, let's face it, when we're in the families that we are in, that there are additional needs and wherever those additional needs might be, that might be in our kids, it might be in ourselves, it might be in everybody. I think at all points, all parents, even parents that are in neurotypical non-additional needs families at some points in our lives we will all need help in our parenting journey, and I often harp on and talk about, you know, finding your backup team and and I often harp on and talk about, you know, finding your backup team and you know, when we go back, when we look back to our ancestors we lived in, you know, communes. We lived in communities where there were generations of families, where the sharing of the childcare was shared across generations, across family members, across sisters and brothers and siblings. It was never like I talk about again. We were never meant to do it alone and we've become so isolated as parents. We're behind closed doors, we've got this facade of we're managing and we're perfect and we're doing everything right and we're aspiring to be this perfect parent and in the days gone by, there were family and elders and support systems and siblings and other brothers and sisters that were around to support in that parenting journey and I often talk about talk about parents not just being birth parents. It's carers, it's grandparents, it's aunts and uncles, it's relatives, it's friends of the family are all part of parenting and supporting that child to become a well-rounded, functioning human being in society that can manage the ups and downs and stresses. We never can create a life for our kids where they don't ever get stressed ever, because that's not real life. But we do know that when we've got kids with additional needs, that that's harder living in the world that we do. That's built for neurotypicals. It's more difficult for those, those kids and us as adults. It's gonna. We're gonna get more stressed more easily. Our anxiety, our overwhelm is going to be more triggered more easily. So it's difficult. It can be really difficult and I suppose what I'm asking is whether you have that fit that that put that question to yourself am I easy to help and can I ask for help?

Speaker 1: 18:04

And who do I ask for help? And sometimes it doesn't have to be family members. Sometimes it can be by help. It doesn't actually mean physically somebody coming in and doing something. Sometimes asking for help is I need to chat with somebody, I just need to talk about it. I just need to let somebody else know what I'm going through. That can be a form of help. It doesn't have to be.

Speaker 1: 18:24

Often think of help as being this very practical term that people will come in and they might do cooking or cleaning and looking after the kids and all that kind of stuff. But actually help can be lots of different things and that's dependent on you and what you find helpful. So I had a little think, so I was thinking well, what are the kind of top three things that that will allow other people in? Because sometimes people that love us, people that are friends with us, they want to be able to help and it's really difficult when they can't. When they're watching you find things difficult. They don't know how to offer help or we keep saying no. So it's having to think about how. Do I know what would help me? So I might not want people to come around and say, oh, you go out for the day, I'll look after the kids, and you're thinking, yeah, right, that's never gonna happen, or if I do, the fallout will be ginormous right at this moment.

Speaker 1: 19:30

So do you know what helps you? Do you know and it might be things like you know, someone offers to come around and look after the kitchen. You might say they've said some, not right now, but you know what I'd love, and then you could tell them what it is and it might be. If you're doing a dinner for your, for your family, could you double up? I'd love just not to have to cook one night and it could be no. But I'd really love it if you came around just for a cup of tea and we had a chat about something that they've done. They don't have to come around and talk about all the worries and the problems and the difficulties and they're trying to fix everything, but actually just having a chat about something they've done, because sometimes it's quite nice to know what has happened in other people's lives, and not that they come around and go oh look, we're so amazing, everything's perfect. Not that I don't mean that, but sometimes it's just nice to know.

Speaker 1: 20:24

You know, sometimes it might be that you have you know, for my sister comes round and I like to know what she's doing, what she's doing in work, or she's really into yoga, or she's been on a yoga retreat, all that kind of stuff, and I just want to know who did you meet and what did you see? Because it gives me time out from thinking about what I'm finding difficult and that helps. That helps me. I'm thinking about what I'm finding difficult and that helps. That helps me. So is there something that you could suggest to the person would be helpful to you?

Speaker 1: 20:58

The other thing is is to start to think about whether we can reframe that need for help. So that need for help is about could we refrain, reframe that to? It's a connection. To let somebody help you strengthens a connection with you and that other person, and not view it as a weakness, not view it that we're failing or we're doing something wrong or that we're somehow less of a parent, but actually that it is a connection and it's something that we need and it will better that friendship or that relationship is by letting somebody actually help you and saying yes, thank you, yes, thank you, yes you, yes, please, thank you very much.

Speaker 1: 21:40

And I often get reminded that by that by my partner, and he's very generous and I often worry that you know it's too much, but sometimes he has to remind me to say let's just say thank you very much and I have to say yes, I don't have to. But what I mean by that is that I think actually that would be really nice, thank you. We get so used to saying no that it becomes a default that sometimes we have to practice saying yes please and just sitting with that and going. That would be really nice, and sometimes that can be tricky. So it is around that kind of saying yes please and practicing, because it does become a bit of a habit. I'm okay, no, thanks, oh no, don't worry about us. No, no, no, practice saying yes please and thank you very much. So I'm going to leave you with that. I'm going to leave you to have a think about that and about are you easy to help?

Speaker 1: 22:41

Um, what I was just going to finish off the podcast with today is that I do have coming up a new series, and this isn't a podcast series, this is one of more like sessions. So these are going to be called parenting pause moments and they're going to run every other month and I've got quite a lot stacked up ready to go and we're due to start the first one in May. So by the time this podcast comes out, I think it could be around that time and what they are are, like I've talked about in the previous podcast is that we can't always stop, but we can take a pause and we should take a pause. And what I'm doing is trying to create these little kind of bite-sized sessions for parents to come, and there's no demand, there's no homework, but it's to come and see if there's something little or might be big that you can put in place to make life easier for us as parents. So keep an eye out, those are coming. And the other thing is is that if you have enjoyed the podcast and the little bite-sized ones, but also the big episodes, the with the guests, is that you can help to keep the podcast going. So I do this in my own time. It takes a lot of time, a lot of editing, but I love it and I love being able to give that back to parents.

Speaker 1: 24:09

If you would like to support the show, you are able to click in the show notes below and it just gives you a bit of information about how you can buy me a coffee and it's just a small way, but it all adds up and it all helps with going towards the podcast and it might be that I can. Finally, you can just see it out of shot. If you're on video. Maybe pass my son's microphone back to him. Finally, and buy my home one.

Speaker 1: 24:34

At the moment this one's working fine, but it's little things like that. It's the subscriptions to keep things running. It will always be free, but if people think they'd like to support the podcast, I would really appreciate it, and you could buy me a coffee, and I would love to have that. I think that all that leaves me to say is thanks for listening, thanks for joining me today. Um, there's like there's lots of other little ones before this. So there is the introduction, there is the uh, let me take a pause and there's one about boundaries. There's more to come. Keep a lookout for them. There's obviously all the guest ones as well, so have a rummage around in the website and have a look if you're interested. But all it leads me to say then is take care and I'll see you soon.